Upon Being Asked What I Believe In
I say, for starters, the word in,
the way it dumps quicksand before
love and trouble, or after belief
and jump right! I say the days I'm sunk
in up to my waist, improvising
with ingredients at hand. I say the sizzle
of bacon, onions, the wooden spoon
meandering through thick lentil soup
with basil. I say all the herbs in my garden,
pushing roots into earth. I say the Zen
of weeding, aches that follow. And how,
in Japan, they seat a guest facing away
from the most beautiful part of the room,
remember the person later as what's missing
from the art. I say my first slow dance,
the texture of polyester against my cheek,
those hit songs I wrote out, cataloged.
I say catalogs, glossy paper, the thrill
of promises, anticipation. I say afternoon naps,
dark chocolate, gin martinis. And wine,
the best I ever tasted from a styrofoam cup,
the nurse urging me to gulp it down
my second day of labor. I say my babies'
milk-drunk faces. And my teenage sons,
the way they answer me in French, pleased
that I can't understand. I almost talk about being
the only woman in the house. I say, whatever
Lisa Simpson believes in. And, yes, the saxophone.
I say music from unexpected sources,
the younger me sent to test cars
in 30-below Fairbanks, how I let a local
drive me away from town one midnight for a chance
at the aurora borealis, how I shivered
from the colors. I say the starkness of snow
on a wheat field or in the backyard, deep drifts
obscuring the picnic table, my tears. I say the weight
of twilight, moonrise, voices that drift
through the living room: Louis Armstrong,
Eudora Welty, my husband offering
to warm my feet. I say sharing the thermostat
and the covers and the Sunday Times. I say the pulse
of algebra, all those x's busy intersecting
all those y's, points aligned. I say the tangle
of science and poetry, earthworm
and wormhole, the tunneling mind. And the wild
flight of fireflies, bodies glowing
from both desire and defense.